What happens when you're in your 60s and your husband retires...

 

I walk through the living room on my way upstairs to call a friend and he says "Where are you going?"

"Upstairs." It's really obvious where I'm going.

"Why?" he says.

"Aah...," And I can't name right away what I'm doing. "Aah, um, ah yes, I'm going upstairs to call my friend."

"Oh."

Now I think, why did he ask me that? Being asked to NAME what I'm doing right then made me hesitate. You know you walk into a room and you ask yourself "Now what did I come in here for?"

His question makes me feel dumb and that Alzheimer's is decending on me at that very moment.

I feel a little annoyed. Why did he ask me that question? Hannah has told me he just wants to connect with me. The question isn't important, the connection is.

So okay I've developed a phrase to use when he asks a question like that. A phrase that comes to me immediately and suffices as an answer.

He says "Where are going?" And I say, "I'll get back to you on that, dear." I continue on my way upstairs.:)

Hot Crossed Limerick

Madeleine Begun Kane from Mad Kane's Humor Blog says I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A man who was known for his buns...

Here's mine:

A man who was known for his buns
Ate so many he developed the runs
He thought lard was to blame
To butter he changed
Now, no matter, no BM comes.

Mad Kane's Humor Blog

The Adventures of the Ibama Twins Episode 2

Max Ibama got up early and went over to the Budapest Szechenyi Baths. They are part of a tradition of baths that started during Turkish occupation of the area 600 years ago.

Max says, "Boy are these baths better than those dumpsters Mayor Bloomberg filled with water and put around New York City this summer!"

Thanks to Bud's Travels for the idea and inspiration for the Ibama twins!

Episode 1 is here!

The Adventures of the Ibama Twins Episode 1

This is the story of the Ibama twins. Max and Rex are identical twins and they love to travel. Here you see them in Budapest waiting for the real estate lady to close on one of the houses that they want to rent for a time in the capital of Hungary.

The real estate woman took the picture.

They are having a problem deciding which house to live in. They both like the peach color one on the right but they feel, for some reason, they should live in the blue house on the left.

Max and Rex have asked for a delay so they can be sure they choose the right, ah, left one.
Stay tuned for the decision about the house and details about what the Ibama twins will do on their first days in the city of Budapest...

Thanks to Bud's Travels for the idea and inspiration for the Ibama twins!

Just For a Laugh...

Via Clumsy Crooks:

Cops in France Try Something New...

Comment Posted by DMMWusta on Dec 11, 2008 01:37 PM

I remember reading about a US police force trying this a little while back. They scrapped the program when it turned out the officers would be useless when a suspect flees onto grass.

~PLEASE SCROLL DOWN FOR TAKE THIS TUNE~

Ruby Tuesday

Leora of Here in HP made this new badge for Ruby Tuesday. Thank you so much, Leora!

And as a real treat go over to Leora's for a collection of her favorite Ruby Tuesday posts for 2009.

Now for my Ruby Tuesday post:

Vinny (husband) and I went to the movies yesterday and saw Sherlock Holmes. It was okay. How could a movie with Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law be all bad? (I posted about it on Facebook). while waiting in the lobby of the theatre for our friends I saw this:



Ha!

Don't forget to sign up, leave a comment and visit others!

---

I wish YOU

and Peace and Love all the year through!

Bad Christmas Gifts

Don't blame Martha Stewart for the following Christmas craft gift suggestion:

Yup, maxi-pad Christmas slippers!!*

I first found these at About.com: Family Crafts! The instructions for making them are here

'nuf said!



How about this one:

It costs $2.00 extra for a plus size!

I think this one is funny!*

Don't look for this one, I made it with Adobe Photoshop.

Well there you are - some suggestions for last minute shopping!

*seen on Regis & Kelly

Can you believe this?

Never mind play the Holiday Songs Quiz below:

HumorMatterstm
Christmas Carols and Songs
Final Exam

The following words are alternate titles for several well-known holiday songs.
If you get 100% correct, you will be assured a full holiday stocking!
Have fun!!

1. Quadruped with crimson proboscis_______________
   
2. 5 p.m. to 6 a.m. without noise___________________
   
3. Miniscule hamlet in the far east __________________
   
4. Ancient benevolent despot ______________________
   
5. Adorn the vestibule ___________________________
   
6. Exuberance directed to the planet ________________
   
7. Listen, aerial spirits harmonizin _________________
   
8. Monarchial trio _______________________________
   
9. Yonder in the haystack _________________________
   
10. Assemble, everyone who believes _________________
    
11. Hallowed post meridian _________________________
    
12. Fantasies of a colorless December 25^th _____________
    
13. Tin tintinnabulums ____________________________
    
14. A dozen 24-hour yule periods ____________________
    
15. Befell during the transparent bewitching hour ______
    
16. Homo sapien of crystallized vapor ________________
    
17. I merely desire a pair of incisors __________________
    
18. I spied my maternal parent osculating a fat man in red__
    
19. Perambulating through a December solstice fantasy ____
    
20. Aloft on the acme of the abode _____________________

    Results:

    15 – 20 Correct — You don’t need any Yuletide spirit!

    10 – 14 Correct — You could use something in your stocking!

    5 – 9 Correct — Are you sure you have the right holiday?

    1 – 4 Correct — Surely you jest!?!

    (If you have to know the answers!!!!!!)
    
    For Holiday Songs Final Version 2.0 (some of the same songs with other alternatives) click here

Letter to Santa by Little Johnny (edited for the family)

A short short story...

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.

But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.
The End

Another joke...

Barbara Walters told this joke on The View today:

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall.

They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

Humor (or at least I think it's funny...)

School ties

Schools switching to clip-on ties

Clip-on ties are replacing knotted school ties, as schools worry about health and safety worries, says a survey of school uniform suppliers.

The Schoolwear Association says 10 schools a week in the UK are switching, because of fears of ties getting caught in equipment or strangling pupils.

There are also claims that clip-on ties can stop pupils from customising the size of the knots in their ties.

Uniforms are an "instrument of social levelling," says the association.

The Schoolwear Association, the trade body for the school uniform industry, has been identifying this year's trends.

'Corporate look'

The emergence of clip-on ties is part of a growing sensitivity towards health and safety, says the association, along with modifications such as high-visibility trimming on scarves.

Clip-on ties take away the risk of pupils having accidents with their knotted ties.

Schools have raised concerns about ties catching fire in science lessons, getting trapped in technology equipment or ties getting caught when pupils were running.

Clip-on ties also allow schools to create a more standardised appearance, says the association, stopping pupils from being more creative in how they wear their ties.

Read more

My beloved cousin Vinny sent me this e-mail today:

WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to
get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter
(the dear) purchased a week of personal
training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since
being a high school football cheerleader
43 years ago, I decided it would be a
good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations
with a personal trainer named Belinda,
who identified herself as a 26-year-old
aerobics instructor and model for athletic
clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get
out of bed, but found it was well worth it
when I arrived at the health club to find
Belinda waiting for me. She is something
of a Greek goddess with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me
the machines. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-
ups, although my gut was already aching
from holding it in the whole time she was
around. This is going to be a
FANTASTIC week-!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally
made it out the door. Belinda made me lie
on my back and push a heavy iron bar
into the air then she put weights on it! My
legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Belinda's
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for
me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by
laying the toothbrush on the counter and
moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectoral
s. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try
to steer or stop. I parked on top of a
GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting
that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky
for that early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that
is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill
, so Belinda put me on the stair monster..
Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her
vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
I couldn't help being a half an hour late
it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumb
bells.. When she was not looking, I ran
and hid in the restroom. She sent another
skinny freak to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the
rowing machine which I sank.
_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate Belinda more than any
human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my
body I could move without unbearable
pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.
I don't have any triceps! And if you don't
want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the damn barbells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed
on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir
director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering
machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today.
Just hearing her voice made me want to
smash the machine with my planner;
however, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for
services today so I can go and thank
GOD that this week is over. I will also
pray that next year my daughter (the little
shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun
-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend
over, he would have sprinkled the floor
with diamonds!!!

theteach

Manic Monday - snow

Have you always wanted to:

• learn how to make fake snow?
  
• Operate a snow blower?
  
• Drive a snow plow for a great urban area?
  
• Build the best snowman in your neighborhood?

Well, Snow College is for you!

Snow College* is a 4 year college located on the top of Mt. Hood, called Wy'east by the Multnomah tribe. It is a stratovolcano in the Cascade Volcanic Arc of northern Oregon, in the Pacific Northwest region of the United States. It is located about 50 miles (80 km) east-southeast of the city of Portland, on the border between Clackamas and Hood River counties. Mount Hood's snow-covered peak rises 11,249 feet (3,429 m) and is home to twelve glaciers and one college, Snow College.


Our students upon graduation can call the shots when it comes to lucrative jobs in the fields of global warming, making snowboards, raising snow leopards, riding snowmobiles.

The mission of Snow College – to educate students, to inspire them to love learning and to lead them to serve, cannot be accomplished without an outstanding faculty. Snow professors are unencumbered by research unlike their counterparts at 4-year institutions.

Every Spring we hold our famous festivals:

The Alumni Avalanche
The Great Badger Hunt

Directions to the College:

Drive straight up the side of Mt. Hood for just over 2 miles and park.

	Collegiate License Plates Show your Snow College Spirit by proudly displaying your Snow College Collegiate License Plates on your vehicle. Display your Snow College Spirit "The Warmest Snow on Earth" that is "The Smart Place to Start." More information on Collegiate License Plates can be found on the Utah DMV Website.

*Disclaimer: Snow College is a real college run by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. They have nothing to do with anything expressed in this post.

-- Joke Generator -->

Jokes!

theteach

HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY!
AND
GONG XI FA CAI
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Always check your child's homework...

I received this in an e-mail today. I thought I'd share it with you for a laugh!

Here's the reply the teacher received the next day:

Dear Mrs. Jones,

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.
I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last
week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single
shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that
several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture
doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me
selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.
From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly
before she turns it in.

Sincerely, Mrs. Smith


theteach

The Last Cookie

Mike Jacobsen

It's a t-shirt too!

theteach

Why Men Shouldn't Take Messages...

theteach

The Nun's Kiss

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN !!!

theteach

Winking Her Way to the Vice-Presidency

Flirting her way to victory

Sarah I don't know how you learned to wink but here are some people below who know how to do it well and without scrunching up their face.

theteach