My beloved cousin Vinny sent me this e-mail today:

WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to
get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter
(the dear) purchased a week of personal
training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since
being a high school football cheerleader
43 years ago, I decided it would be a
good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations
with a personal trainer named Belinda,
who identified herself as a 26-year-old
aerobics instructor and model for athletic
clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get
out of bed, but found it was well worth it
when I arrived at the health club to find
Belinda waiting for me. She is something
of a Greek goddess with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me
the machines. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-
ups, although my gut was already aching
from holding it in the whole time she was
around. This is going to be a
FANTASTIC week-!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally
made it out the door. Belinda made me lie
on my back and push a heavy iron bar
into the air then she put weights on it! My
legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Belinda's
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for
me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by
laying the toothbrush on the counter and
moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectoral
s. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try
to steer or stop. I parked on top of a
GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting
that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky
for that early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that
is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill
, so Belinda put me on the stair monster..
Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her
vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
I couldn't help being a half an hour late
it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumb
bells.. When she was not looking, I ran
and hid in the restroom. She sent another
skinny freak to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the
rowing machine which I sank.
_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate Belinda more than any
human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my
body I could move without unbearable
pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.
I don't have any triceps! And if you don't
want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the damn barbells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed
on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir
director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering
machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today.
Just hearing her voice made me want to
smash the machine with my planner;
however, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for
services today so I can go and thank
GOD that this week is over. I will also
pray that next year my daughter (the little
shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun
-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend
over, he would have sprinkled the floor
with diamonds!!!

theteach