Saturday, March 14, 2009

My beloved cousin Vinny sent me this e-mail today:


This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to
get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter

(the dear) purchased a week of personal
training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since

being a high school football cheerleader
43 years ago, I decided it would be a
good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations

with a personal trainer named Belinda,
who identified herself as a 26-year-old
aerobics instructor and model for athletic
clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my

enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress.
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get

out of bed, but found it was well worth it
when I arrived at the health club to find
Belinda waiting for me. She is something
of a Greek goddess with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me

the machines. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-

ups, although my gut was already aching
from holding it in the whole time she was
around. This is going to be a
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally

made it out the door. Belinda made me lie
on my back and push a heavy iron bar
into the air then she put weights on it! My
legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Belinda's
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for
The only way I can brush my teeth is by

laying the toothbrush on the counter and
moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectoral
s. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try
to steer or stop. I parked on top of a
GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting

that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky
for that early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that
is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill

, so Belinda put me on the stair monster..
Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other shit too.
Belinda was waiting for me with her

vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
I couldn't help being a half an hour late
it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumb

bells.. When she was not looking, I ran
and hid in the restroom. She sent another
skinny freak to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the

rowing machine which I sank.
I hate Belinda more than any

human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my
body I could move without unbearable
pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.

I don't have any triceps! And if you don't
want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the damn barbells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed

on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir
Belinda left a message on my answering

machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today.
Just hearing her voice made me want to
smash the machine with my planner;
however, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather
I'm having the Church van pick me up for

services today so I can go and thank
GOD that this week is over. I will also
pray that next year my daughter (the little
shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun
-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend
over, he would have sprinkled the floor
with diamonds!!!



Gattina said...

I read that already, it's really excellent !

Digital Flower Pictures said...

That's funny. Things can change a lot in a week.

♥ Kathy said...

ROTFLMAO!! That was beyond great!

Akelamalu said...

That was the funniest thing I've read in a long time! LOL

Daryl said...

Laughing here

Janna said...

I definitely understand!

Thank you for the St. Pat's Day card. I just blogged about it on the Jannaverse. :)

Have a wonderful weekend.

Putz said...

you are so cute...a van to take you over so you can thank god that the week is over...a very good catholic, you

PJ said...

Dear Mary, you're daughter is getting back at you for something. I hope the two of you can work through this, at least until you well enought to plot your revenge.
Mary the cheerlaeder, leadin' cheers, the cheer meister.

boliyou said...

Love that! I'm rethinking starting my exercise program.